A day in the life of an Internet addict.

I know I tend to focus more on people who 'suffer' from addiction, but what can I say, there's so much to talk about...
I decided to concentrate here on Internet addicted people. And I admit, I am also one of them. Perhaps one of billions too.
We cannot say it's being called a 'geek' or perhaps it is...
Anyway, they're some ways to find out if you really are an Internet addict.
First of all, it just starts with the goal in mind to JUST check your mails.

It seems innocent and totally harmless.

Imagine, on a Sunday, at 10 A.M, a man just woke up, took breakfast and got ready. They had planned a day in a park with his family, but just before his kids, his wife and himself go spend their day outside, he decides to check his emails. 15 minutes spent.
At 10.15 A.M, he decides to just check on Facebook (innocently) if there was any messages or events organized... Then he starts to feel trapped. For any reasons, he, like any of us do, start to check all his friends' profiles... He just can't help it.

“Just to check if pictures from the last party was put on Facebook, honey ! I swear it won't take long... Oh look ! John changed his profile picture ! Oh God, he looks so wasted on it... and look honey ! He's friends with Barbara ! Do you remember Barbara, from last week's party ? I should ask her to be my friend... no honey.. I swear it doesn't have to do with her breasts size.. I really had a deep conversation with her last week.. She was telling me she worked in... in...well I'll still request her as my friend...”

Changing our profile picture every day, 'liking' every comments, puting L.O.L on each comments, tagging a hundred of people on a f****** useless picture about who we love the most...
Absurd but we all do that. At least, some of us do.

At 11.30 A.M, his wife and kids are already gone outside, waiting for him to meet him at the park. But then the man just close the window to replace it with Twitter, JUST IN CASE !
Oh gosh Twitter.

What's the point in this ?

Oh yes ! Reading the new tweets of Leo DiCaprio about sharks and dolphins... AMAZING !
What's next ?
The tweets of Lord Voldemort that have, I admit, the power to make people laugh just by saying, “I could be Sue Sylvester's BFF”.
Anyway, except for saying you ate an apple an hour ago or by saying simply :

“BRB.I gotta pee.”

What's the point ?
To be honest, the social network which seems to be the most idiotic of all of them is perhaps Tumblr.
Nobody can understand it.
But everybody has a Tumblr.

“This image was rebbloged 2.000 of times...”

Okay. Cool.

At 2 P.M, after 2 and a half hours of reading Alec Baldwin's & Steve Martin's tweets, he remembers that his colleague had sent him the YouTube link of a funny video on Facebook. So, he goes back to Facebook and watch the video on YouTube.
YouTube. What can be more addictive than that ?
You harmlessly watch a video of a cat watching TV or of the new clip of The Lonely Islands. Then you see the list of videos related to the video you're watching, and you feel the need to watch them, and it turns into an infinite circle...

“Oh so funny !! 'I Just Had Sex' of The Lonely Islands !! Oh they did one with Lady Gaga !!! I gotta watch this... Oh for christ sake, 'Jizz In My Pants' is hilarious...”

At 6 P.M, after watching videos of clips, of Zach Galifianakis interviewing celebrities, of Charlie Sheen's 'winning' buzz... his wife & kids finally arrive home.

“YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY ON THE INTERNET ?? Oh God... You're really insufferable.. you couldn't just spend the day with me and the kids ? Shame on you... Now, go take care of the kids, Jane sent me this link of a private-sale shopping online.. I gotta see that...”

BAM !

Birds of a feather flock together... Anyway, this man spent a nice day after all and he learnt a bunch of things :

His friend John had sex with a prostitute last week.
Craig Ferguson is spending the week in Paris.
A cat can be really scary.
The weather is nice in Moscow.

And oh look ! He learnt that his wife was at a wild office party a month ago... Some pictures of her, half naked, dancing on a table had be taken... Nice.
I gotta say we learn tasteful things thanks to the Internet.

Thank you Mark Zuckerberg. Thank you Internet.

Smokers

Smokers.

How many can they be ?

You can’t possibly know if you can categorize one person as a smoker because he lights up a cigarette every two months on special occasions.

Now, I’m talking about real smokers. The ones who, once their alarm clock ring, jump off their bed to smoke the cigarette they had prepared on their nightstand the night before. No time to eat something or have the usual toilets moment of the morning. Nope. No time for that. The smoker consider that the morning cigarette is the best one.. No wait. It’s perhaps the one of the morning break, or perhaps after lunch... «Well, all of them are the best !»

All of them, the smokers says ? Then how many are there in a day ?
If we still focus on the real smokers, it must be a pack or two in a day, and yet, it doesn’t seem too much. But the price - oh my gosh, THE PRICE ! - he feels it !
Oh well.. it’s all right, he just has to eat pasta at every meal, and I think he will starts saving for the packs.
Can you imagine a smoker at the birth of his child ?

«Hey kiddo, listen.. I prefer to warn you now : crappy schools, no way for university, and you’ll buy yourself your clothes and food, all right ? Daddy’s got to buy his cigarettes packs to not be depressed and not to be violent towards you."

I can see from here the one-day baby frowning at its father.

Let’s go back to what I said just before.
Depressed ? Why would he be depressed ?
The smoker thinks a cigarette is the best way to calm himself down. All this crap of occidental medicine for depressed people centered around drugs like Xanax or Zoloft. What’s that crap ?! He thinks that a pack and a lighter are the most simple base of a cure against depression. Soon, it becomes an excuse.

" Listen sweetie, I’m not feeling well, I’ll go light one up... No, it has nothing to deal with you breaking my balls because I didn’t put the plates at the right place in the drawer.. I assure you.»

That’s right...

It has also nothing to deal with what his wife has found in this exact same drawer. Five cartons of cigarettes. Smokers can be easily compared to drug addicts. They hide their stash in case of emergency. What emergency needs that kind of stash ?
Oh well... The smoker can find many excuses :
- Imagine tobacco becomes illegal ?! [crappy excuse]
- You’ve got to foresee the unexpected !
But he would answer more often : Just in case...

Yeah. Just in case he wants to freeze outside during Winter time because he can’t smoke inside in front of his children.. especially because it’s Christmas time and they’re all gathered in the living room, opening presents like the excited and adorable kids they are... Daddy already got his present : the amount of snow falling on his head while he tries to light up his cancer stick on the porch.

If Daddy’s still not convinced that smoking is a bad thing to do, perhaps that the drawing his kid offers him after a day of school, representing him alone with a giant cigarette, coughing smiling with yellow teeth, dark rings under the eyes, red nose because of the cold outside. No one around him except his cigarette which puts its arm around his shoulders like an old friend. Well yeah... an old friend.
Inseparable friends.

It's great to be a coffee addict...

Coffee drinkers.
Well more like the coffee addicted people. Who could have known that the slimplest drink ever could be a powerful addictive thing ? When I was told it was so, I realised that I was one of these coffee addicted people.
Well, this is quite simple because we know when we're addicted and this is simply amazing.

Really, It's great to be a coffee addict

There are so many ways to know if you drink too much coffee. How I knew ?
When I started to panick at the idea of not having any coins in my wallet for the coffee machine of the university : 8 AM in front of the classes, already 4 coffee drinken, and a bit on the nerves...
Really being a coffee addicted makes you realise that these tiny coins are just things to be blessed every morning, in fact more than eating anything. How to prove it ?
The monstrous queue in front of Starbucks at 7.45 AM of stressed, in hurry employees shouting at the first in line who cannot choose between an Americano, a Caramel Macchiato or a simple Caffe Latte.
At this precise moment, choosing which coffee you want is like taking the biggest decision of your life, it's like you’re passing an exam with yourself : "Gosh, what if it's not the one I want ?".

Ah, yeah. Choices. Choices & prices, of course. For coffee addicts, Starbucks is the best place on earth. Spending an hour in there, it's the bahamas for certain people. A meeting with colleagues, a dating place, a serious conversation with the wife, any excuses are good for the coffee addict to ask the simple but so overwhelming question :

A cup of coffee ?

And with all the choices, it's like being a kid in a candy store : light, dark, decaf... The coffee addict knows the perfect combination of the perfect coffee and can shout it more easily and fluently than the exact date of his kids's birthdays. Of course, the coffee addict doesn't mind the - oh my god, so high ! - prices of this place, because let's face it :

"the coffee machine at home just makes cat's pee..."

The coffee addict doesn't care about the bad aspects of coffee - yes, there are bad aspects. And yes because the scientists say so - it must be true then...
Let's just say that the coffee addicts has nerves problems..the coffee addict's nervous twitch can register on the Richter scale. No, I'm not exaggerating ! He doesn't mind to sleep only 2 or 3 hours per night, because you know, he loves the idea of waking up to a good cup of coffee so much he cannot hold still in bed...
Sleep you say ? Oh that. The coffee addict doesn't need it because coffee has the super power to keep you awake until he sees stars everywhere - in day time.
The hands tremble slightly but it must be from the stress...

Of being on vacation ? Weird.

The yellow teeth just gives character to the coffee addict. Why the smokers should be the only one to have yellow teeth, seriously ? And let's be honnest, grinding coffee beans in his mouth is absolutly not the reason of it...

Not to put a label on people or anything, but the coffee addicts are just the greatest.
Come to think of it.. I'm just feeling so proud to say that I belong to this category. When asked "coffee or tea ?" - I get this tiny piece of excitment and pride when I answer

" Coffee, of course ! Tea is for sissies...".

If George Clooney doesn't seem to see anything else to drink, I don't see why I would...